American Idol Top 3: Adam is Cryin’, Care Bear is Heartless and Douchey is Still Here

This . . . is . . . American Idol's 300th show! Yeah, I know, hold back the yawns.


Tonight our remaining three Idolizers - - or should I say, my remaining two Idolizers and some douchey interloper - - will be singing the Judges' Choice (also known as The Battle of the Egos, according to Seacrest) and their own personal choice. Right now, I am calling that Douchey Geekey will choose to sing some overblown, sadsack, corny and emotionally stunted song because we all know that's what he excels at.


Seacrest geeks his way down the Intergalactic Staircase. Glad to see he's still patronizing the local tanning booth as well as using those Crest Whitestrips.


The judges, in all their righteousness, are introduced. Randy is wearing a navy blue cardigan with white pinstripes. I swear, I have a sweater almost identical to that. I look way cooler in it though. He's also wearing matching navy blue rimmed eyewear. I think Douchey has started an eyeglass trend that has gone too far now. Randy is also wearing his candy necklace and bracelet. Sweet. Kara is wearing her hair stick straight and bangs in her face. Don't likey. It makes her look harsh. I'm worried she is going to be bitchy tonight solely based on the hair. Paula is super sparkly in a black sparkly thing. She jumps up from her chair upon introduction and does a quasi-twirl. Sassy Pants is in his usual white Hanes undershirt.


Seacrest brings the Top 3 out - - Douchey in a douchey shirt, with Tuff Skins jeans and a dumb ass wallet chain hanging out. He is trying so hard to look relevant. It's funny. Care Bear is cute and cuddly in his little jeans and jacket. Adam Fucking Lambert is in a toned down grayish-silverish long sleeved shirt and jeans and looks somewhat subdued.


We are subjected to a brief film about the "Hometown Heroes" - - see Adam F. Lambert in San Diego, with crowds going crazy. Hee, no film with the half-naked girl who threw herself at him. See Care Bear being cute in Arkansas. See Douchey . . . oh wait, they totally cut his film off. Ha ha ha!!


I guess Seacrest got the memo about there being only 60 minutes for Idol and therefore no time for idle chit chat on Douchey. Let's get right to it!


So finally Douchey gets the Craptastic First Slot. Paula is the judge assigned to him and she gives him Terence Trent D'Arby's "Dance Little Sister". I'm sure he will fuck this up, although I expected her to give him something in the "Endless Love" or "Hero" range. Anyhow, Douchey is Douchey, what can we say at this point? There is no "Dream On" scream, thank God (although my cat Sparky absolutely refused to be in the room while Idol was on tonight, go figure). But Douchey, even when he's not being totally offensive and totally off-key, is just a big bag of meh to me. I will say that if he ever does that chicken dance pelvic thrust thing again he should be shot. He's just too Geekey to pull those moves off. Adam Fucking Lambert, he is not. And why does he sound so breathy and gaspy? Is he still trying to catch his breath from last week's hatchet job? So not impressed. Paula is doing her drunk dancing and Randy is actually fist pumping.


Of course, the judges are. They have been drinking the Douchey Geekey juice for weeks. Randy says "let the games begin!" (what games? Mind games? Assault on the ears games? Douchey Games?) and says something about Douchey performing like crazy. Randy may be on to something there, although I would say that Douchey is performing to the judges and the crowd like crazy - - borderline acting. Because he sure ain't singing. Randy also either thinks Douchey's song was "dope!" or Douchey himself is. I vote for the latter. Kara says something stupid and totally irrelevant about a money spot but then dings Douchey on his dancing. She says he was too gyrating (I say too annoying and spastic) and his performance won't be remembered tomorrow. Paula thought it was really good and tells Douchey it was a fantastic job. Of course she does. Paula picked the song. Douchey could sit on the stage, yank his back leg up and tongue bathe himself and Paula would see the magic in Douchey's actions. Sassy Pants deemed Douchey's dancing "desperate" - - although this isn't a dancing show, in case you can't remember. It's a singing competition and a stage for dead wives and cheesefests. Simon says that it was vocally very good although he thought the saxophone solo in the middle was problematic, as it sounded like a toy saxophone. I thought the sax solo was problematic in that Douchey attempted to sing against the sax and roundly lost. He also thought it was the wrong song choice. Take that, Ms. Abdul.

In order to simply things a bit, I am going to analyze both song choices and performances together.

So Douchey's second song and personal pick was (naturally) Joe Cocker's "You are So Beautiful". What a shocker. Of course this big windbag of cheese would choose this song. If he could get away with it, I really think he would sing to himself - - "Did you ever know, I'm my herooooo. . . . ." Seriously. The guy claps for himself, it's not a big jump. And he can't answer a simple question from a simpleton like Seacrest with a simple response. He has to give a long, drawn out, over-analytical response. God, I cannot stand him. Example, when Seacrest does his usual "why did you choose this song or that song", Douchey has the nerve to say that he doesn't listen to other people's opinions. Clearly obvious based on the fact that he didn't take the advice of one single mentor this season.

Anyhow, Douchey's second performance. Starts off slow and gaspy. Surprising, I know. It's almost depressing in the lack of any emotion or "uuummmpphh" it has going on. Leave it to Douchey though, he must go and church it up. I will say the last note is decent and on a Douchey-Meter Scale it places fairly well - - although the bar is set so low that Adam Fucking Lambert could come out with strep throat and attempt any Mariah Carey song (which are usually the bane of my existence) and still score higher than any of Douchey's best efforts. Because Douchey has the personality of a sad, wet noodle.

Randy says "check it out, check it out" like a thousand times and then says "Beautiful" was an amazing song and "you can really, really, really sing!" Seriously? Aren't we past this, Randy? This is the Top 3 . . . out of 100,000, as Seacrest reminded us earlier. I would hope the Top 3 can really sing - - although I do have doubts about Douchey. Randy also thinks Douchey has mad vocals. I think Randy is mad. Kara said that everything he didn't do in the first performance he did in the second. She thought it was "stunning" (yeah, stunningly boring and dull) and "amazing" (what's going to be amazing is when Joe Cocker kicks Douchey's ass). Paula thinks Douchey left us all breathless. I think Douchey left himself breathless because he's still gasping. She says that this song allowed Douchey to perform his magic (provided you consider his magic coming out on stage, digging up the memory of your dead wife and pandering to the judges and viewing audience in the most toolish way possible). Simon loves the song itself and thought it wasn't necessary for Douchey to change the arrangement. He thought it would have worked with just Douchey and a piano. Then of course Kara has to get all buttinsky and screech at Simon because Simon apparently doesn't know about arrangements, whatever. Does anyone care? Simon does say that it was a "vocal master class". I think he meant "vocal master ass". And oh yeah - - Douchey changed his outfit, at least the top portion. He still has the Tuff Skins jeans but now has a "serious" shirt, tie and vest. WTH? He looks like a douchey banker on his lunch hour.

Care Bear is sandwiched in the middle of this sausage fest, yet again. Poor Care Bear. How mean are TPTB to constantly kick the Bear? Unfortunately for Care Bear, Randy and Kara were assigned to select his song and they selected One Republic's "Apologize". Care Bear performs it on the piano and it's really fairly solid. I mean, you can't really change it up that much. Overall, I found it to be a good performance, nothing to get excited or offended about. Definitely no chicken dancing manuevers.

Randy thinks this shows the kind of artist that Care Bear can be. Kara thought it was a competent performance but believes he should be "swinging" it out of the park by now and taking more chances. I don't think Kara is thinking about music when she's thinking about what is "swinging". Paula says she is used to Care Bear taking artistic license with his song choices and while she heard a bum note that was loud, she is still proud of Care Bear. What the fuck, Paula? Douchey's performance last week consisted of nothing but bum notes and he gets an A+++ for effort and Care Bear gets thrown under the bus? Simon thinks that Kara is a cop out. Love! He thinks she's all kinds of wrong for choosing the song for Care Bear to perform and then blaming him. He feels Kara didn't hold up to her own responsibilities. Kara retorts with asking Simon if he ever arranged a song himself. Simon thinks that if Kara and Randy wanted Care Bear to perform this song with a guitar versus a piano they should have said so. Ridiculous on its face but I'm still siding with Simon. Just 'cause. Paula responds with typical Idol maturity and sticks her fingers in her ears and says LALALALALALALA. Well, thank goodness this is all about CARE BEAR and his performance.

Care Bear's second song is his version of Kanye West's "Heartless" and when I heard this, I honestly thought my little Care Bear was going to be annihilated. However, Care Bear hits this one out of the park. This should make the judges STFU about "artistry" and "arrangements" and whatever other b.s. they are so fond of spouting. Care Bear takes care of business. And he does so in a most excellent black sparkly shirt. And why did he choose "Heartless"? "Because it's fun." Love me some Care Bear. And that last note was spot on.

Randy says this is one of the toughest voting nights in history. He likes Care Bear's version BETTER than The Fray's and better than Kanye's! Go, Care Bear! He also says "you are in it to win it!" Kara found it bold, brave and fearless to stand on the stage with an acoustic guitar and perform that song. She said Care Bear was 100% with his tone, pitch and phrasing. Paula thinks Care Bear is the bravest artist for singing a song about Simon Cowell. Ha! Paula made a funny. She says performances like this one are what keep Care Bear relevant - - and by doing something different. She commends Care Bear and gives him a "bravo". Simon is going to be honest (that's nice) and says after what he thought was a lame song choice for Care Bear, he had written him out - - that, however, all changed after that performance. Whoo hoo, Care Bear!

Adam Fucking Lambert gets the Pimp Position again - - yes, I am blinded by the brilliance that is Adam Fucking Lambert but even I can see the major pimpage going on. Simon has chosen Adam's song and he has chosen U2's "One". He also makes sure to inform us that he personally spoke to Bono to get permission to use the song and Bono was delighted over Adam Fucking Lambert performing his song. So Seacrest asks Sassy Pants why he chose "One" and Simon says it's one of his favorite songs. So Adam takes the stage in a faded denim shirt, which is still brilliant, of course, and the stage is full of darkness and a piano is accompanying Adam and Adam is stripped down without his guyliner or electrifying hair. He starts out slow and it's truly beautiful. Baby Jesus is crying, ya'll. And then . . . Adam Lambertizes it. And . . . I'm not sure I like it. Now I flove me some Adam F. Lambert as much as a redneck loves RC Cola and Twinkie wedding cakes but . . something just isn't right. I know, I know. Adam Fucking Lambert is not dazzling me with his brilliance and earth saving voice of angels. It's just too much somehow, as if Adam Fucking Lambert could ever be too much. And I don't believe I'm mistaken but I think Adam just tonguefucked the camera, very Lizard King like.

So Randy says "DUDE" and Adam is still in the zone. The cabaret zone? The high kicking zone? He says Adam is one of the hottest 3 in the competition. That Randy. So smaaaaart. Next thing he'll be saying "you can really, really sing!" Oh wait, he already said that. Kara found Adam's performance "unbelievable" and was amazed at how he could totally change up "One". I am too. I'm curious to know what Bono thinks. Paula claims her life is miserable for Simon's gloating over the song choice and Adam's rendition of it. She does say that it was "brilliant" and she's looking at the next American Idol. Holy crap, pimp and predict much? Simon found "One" to be a brilliant song choice (no surprise there) and Adam worked it out. He said that if Adam wasn't in the final, it would be one of the biggest upsets in the show's tainted and set-up history. Okay, well, I added "tainted" and "set-up".

Adam did add in his little after-talk with Seacrest that the lyrics to "One" are truly beautiful and everyone should go back and listen to them. Which we should all do immediately as the Unicorn King has decreed.

So Adam's second song is Aerosmith's "Cryin'" and if Adam had said he was going to do Aerosmith's "Dream On", I may very well have laughed myself to death at the obvious slight against Douchey. Adam says he's going to twist it up a bit to make it his own, but that Steven Tyler is "the man". True that. Adam also says he wants to do Mr. Tyler proud. Here's hoping!

Adam swaggers out on stage in rocker gear and . . . someone needs to take the Red Bull or Monster away from the backup singer because she is way, way too loud. When you can't hear Adam Fucking Lambert singing to Baby Jesus and the angels in heaven, you're hitting those pipes a wee bit too loud. BTW, heard a rumor that Adam was supposedly going to sing "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. I. WOULD. HAVE. LOST. MY. SHIT. if he had. I love this song with a seriousness that is unequaled. I don't think Paula loves her Vodka and Vicodin as much as I love this song. And I think it would have been fucking perfect for Adam to sing this - - provided he kept in his lower register and didn't try to bust out the glory note.

But I digress because he didn't sing that awesome song. "Cryin'" is probably pretty perfect for Adam. He hits the big Adam F. Lambert glory note at the end and the audience goes wild.

Randy says Adam is one of the best contestants they have ever had. He loves this performance even more than "One". He tells Adam he should be a rock star. Kara wants to know, yet again, how Adam hits those high notes. I think he may be grabbing or pinching something you don't have, sweetheart. She found it "amazing" and expects to see him at the final. Paula says that Adam sets the bar so high in the sky (because that's where unicorns and angels fly), she hopes that he collected frequent flyer miles. Simon says he is not going to suck up the way RaKaPa did but says it's very easy to assume he will sail through. He basically tells the viewing audience to vote for Adam F. Lambert because he deserves it based on talent.

Seacrest skips over and asks Adam how he thought he did. Seacrest, please. That's like asking God what he thought about what he did on the sixth day. Adam says that Douchey Geekey and Care Bear did really well and it's just an honor to be in their company. Awwwwwww.

To sum it up: Douchey served up a slice of pithy pizza with extra cheese. Care Bear refused to let the Idol bus run him over and gave a big F.U. to the judges with "Heartless". Adam failed to shine his usual brilliance but still outdazzles Douchey even on his worst day. And the producers suck ass because they STILL can't manage to get this show in on time!

Written by ßy O'uS on May 13th, 2009 with no comments.
Read more articles on Adam Lambert and Adam Lambert; Danny Gokey; Lil Rounds; Anoop Desai; Kri and American Idol; Simon Cowell; Randy Jackson; Paula Abdul and Danny Gokey.

The Powers That Be at Idol Are Revealing Their Hand

So no full recap this week. Sorry! I was feeling a bit under the weather and just couldn't muster up the creative gusto to be appropriately snarky.

However, these are my quick and dirty thoughts:

Jamie Foxx. Awesome mentor. Was worried when I saw him and couldn't figure out how he would mentor exactly (as I had no idea he had such a musical background). However, he gave the Idolizers solid advice and as an added bonus, he got in Gokey's face and freaked him out. Please bring him back every week.

Tender Dawg. Is Jamie's #1 pick? Whaaaaaaaaat??? (TM Jamie Foxx). Awesome for Kris and probably a huge confidence booster, as he is going FIRST yet again while Gokey gets the next to last pimp slot. Whatever, show. You couldn't be more obvious in your sabotage. Kris, IMO, gave a lovely, emotional performance. I don't know WTF Simon is talking about, with it being "wet" and equating Kris to a spaniel dog on a walk. Is he drinking from Paula's cup? I'm thinking TPTB are shitting bricks over the fact that Kris is getting more votes than their precious Gokey and are doing everything within their power to send Kris packing (i.e., craptastic first slot, Simon abuse).

Breakfast Club. My overall favorite performance of hers, by far. Huge song and I think she killed it. Randy must have said "yo" about a hundred times before anyone cared enough to listen to him. Kara overpraised her so much she may be in trouble. Simon threw her under the bus. Why exactly? Incredible performance gets a middling review from him and truly awful performances have gotten his pass. Confusing. Breakfast Club looked great - - first time we've seen her sans Monchichi hair and not wearing 8 layers of clothing.

Matty G. Glad to see that Jamie Foxx went back and gave him further relevant advice. Proof that Jamie Foxx took this seriously. Thought Matt was a bit boring but his performance was decent. This type of music definitely suits his voice. No talking back, though, Matt. Can be the kiss of death - - unless you're a douchey smarminator from Wisconsin with a dead wife to market. Simon's "brilliant" was puzzling though - - didn't see that coming. Are they trying to push Matt through or make sure his fans feel comfortable and don't vote?

Douchey Gokey. God bless Jamie Foxx for getting in Gokey's face and freaking him out. That was like the kid equivalent of Halloween, with Christmas being a Gokey surprise boot. While I think this was Gokey's best performance in probably ever, since his bar was set so low, I'm not sure how much praise that truly is. He still continues to sound pretty much the same to me. Purely shallow and borderline disturbing, but Gokey looked better in his confessional minus the Gokey Eyewear and with the full goatee happening. Pulling a James Hatfield with only the beard scruff makes him look like he watches kiddie porn. Ick. And can the big "thank you!"s to the audience, no one else does that. Over the top praise, as we expected, as everyone apparently is drinking the Douchey Kool Aid.

Adam Fucking Lambert. Adam could sing The Hokey Pokey (or The Hokey Gokey?) at this point and I'd be voting. I'm that much under his spell. He's wearing a white suit (take that, Gokey) with a black shirt - - is this a direct jab at the comparisons between "angelic" Gokey and "devilish" Adam? And holy shit, he's swaggering down the intergalactic staircase! Adam is like a sneering gay angel sent from above to touch our lives - - with eyeliner. Totally, totally agree with Kara's commentary - - it's strange, it's fun, it's sleazy. And I'm totally ready to jump on board that train, drink the Kool Aid and ride it wherever Adam wants to take me. Randy is an idiot for complaining about Adam being theatrical - - he's been this was all competition, dude - - and stating it's a singing contest. It's not a singing contest - - it's a popularity and performance contest. I'm surprised Paula didn't cry during her critique - - although she did have a hard time talking around her tongue.

Final notes - - I miss Anoop. I think he would have been good at this week. Wonder who Jamie Foxx thought he wouldn't like out of the group? Oh yeah, Gokey. Why was Paula dressed like a big red drunken present?

More final notes after the results - - Bye, Matty G. You will be fine. TPTB can't have you interfering with their plans for world musical domination with the Smarminator. Classy sing out and I'll admit I had tears during his "Home Sweet Home" video segment.

We are never getting rid of Gokey, are we? It's obvious he is going nowhere.

Adam Fucking Lambert looked scared to death he was going to get the boot. No worries, Adam, you are destined for the Final Two. If you had gotten the boot last night, a virtual shitstorm would have occurred and Idol ratings would have plummeted.

Written by ßy O'uS on April 30th, 2009 with no comments.
Read more articles on Adam Lambert and Adam Lambert; Danny Gokey; Lil Rounds; Anoop Desai; Kri and Allison Iraheta and American Idol; Simon Cowell; Randy Jackson; Paula Abdul and Matt Giraud.

No! Not Anoop!

Source: the witty and eloquent GoebbelsRedux

Written by ßy O'uS on April 23rd, 2009 with no comments.
Read more articles on Adam Lambert; Danny Gokey; Lil Rounds; Anoop Desai; Kri and American Idol; Simon Cowell; Randy Jackson; Paula Abdul.

American Idol Gets Down with Disco Night

It's disco night at American Idol and if you don't know what that means, Seacrest will inform you - - it means that not only will the song choices suck, the Idolizers flounder about like Katie Holmes in a Shakespeare production, but that the stakes are doubled!

In case you have short term memory or missed last week's show, we are helpfully shown again Matt's voting off and then being given a judges' save. Seacrest comes down the intergalactic staircase and the judges are already at their assigned places of righteousness.

Seacrest says that the good news was that Matt lived to survive another week on Idol, the bad news is that two people will be going home this week, which illicits a round of fake boos from the audience. He then intros the judges as our "guides" for this evening. Guides for what? Disco hell? Tone deaf brilliance? The wonders of vodka and vicodin? I really have no idea.

Randy is cardigan-less, putting me on edge and making me think something is off tonight. He is wearing what appears to be one of Simon's cast-off Hanes t-shirts that has been spray painted. That Randy, always a fashion icon. He pulls a Gokey and looks skyward during his intro and then "whoo"s himself. Nothing like fanwanking yourself! Kara is wearing something like 1,000 bracelets and does the multiple fake kissing thing. Paula is decked out in a brown and pink sheer flowery top thing and she's sparkly from the jewelry on her fingers, wrists and cuffs, as well as from vodka. Mr. Sassy Pants looks as though he forgot to put a proper shirt on, with only his usual white Hanes. Seacrest helpfully declares him dressed for the occasion. I'm sure Seacrest would love him undressed for any occasion.

So Seacrest says that this group of Idols has an unprecedented amount of pressure. Why exactly? Why is their pressure any different than last year's group? I mean, I understand that Adam Fucking Lambert has to guide us all to the Happy Place every week and Breakfast Club must wear 20 layers of clothing every week and Gokey must attempt to out-douche himself every week, but otherwise, what gives? The Top 7 come out on the stage and holy shit on a stick, Adam Fucking Lambert is in a suit!! Anoop is wearing a pink sweater! Gokey is in full on douche mode! Seacrest sends them off the stage, with Adam (naturally) leading the way but Gokey is so busy fawning over Seacrest that he just stands there. Dick! Seacrest then tells Anoop he likes his look - - run, Anoop, run!

Because Disco Week normally sucks and there is no rational reason for having it, there is no mentor this week. Good news/bad news, we don't know yet. LRR is the first contestant up and there is no video, no chitchat on the Stools of Enlightment, just right into her performance.

She is singing "I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Khan, a total diva anthem that is many levels of awesomeness on its own. LRR is wearing a black jumpsuit, a catwoman suit, really, and all I have to say about that is it surely should qualify her ass for its own zip code. Her performance is energetic but something is missing - - oh yeah, serious vocal ability. If LRR was going to bring it this week, she left it backstage. She does hit the glory note at the end, as usual. The audience goes into a wild overreaction. Randy thought LRR sounded wild and he "just didn't know". No kidding. He didn't think she showed any vocal control or what kind of artist she is exactly. My guess is that she is the kind of artist that is going to sing what she damn well wants and not what the judges think she should. Problem solved. Kara believes that everyone was waiting for LRR to sing Chaka Khan and singers like her, but it just wasn't worth the wait. Kara also thinks that LRR has been every woman on that stage, but herself. That may be the smartest thing Kara has uttered all season. Paula, of course, has to defend LRR and Paula is nothing if not predictable. She says that she was with LRR the day before and LRR had no voice - - ummm, like every other performance day? - - and she wants to applaud LRR's strong recovery. Heck, Paula wants to applaud the man who turned water into wine. However, she doesn't believe that LRR tapped into her inner goddess. Sassy Pants thinks LRR looks sad - - I think she's sporting major, major bitchface. So LRR takes this opportunity to interject and hijack the entire commentary with her usual blah, blah, blah litany of excuses - - she wants everyone to know that she was having fun up there, whatever, whatever, whatever. Randy, this is what kind of artist LRR is. The kind that makes excuses and interrupts Simon. So Simon tells her that he's glad she had fun because he thinks this is the last week we will ever see her. We can hope. He thinks her performance lacked originality, the arrangement was a mess. Seacrest comes out and he just has to ask her if she has a response to that, like she hasn't talked enough. If they run over the time because they just have to give LRR an opportunity to open her piehole yet again, I'm going to freak. LRR says she totally disagrees with the entire panel and she didn't think she was karaoke at all.

Tender Dawg Kris is up next and he gets to sit on the Stools of Enlightment with Seacrest. He says that he's going to be singing Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money". WTF? Seriously? Oh dear God, no! Adam Lambert, help him! I'm worried sick for little Kris. Seacrest asks Kris why on earth he would choose such a song - - other than the serious disco blood that runs through him, I guess. Kris says that he chose it because it's a song about a woman. Awwwww. So he takes to the stage and I'm already prepared to dial my fingers off to save little Kris because this has got to be a musical suicide. And . . . he.is.BAD.ASS. No joke. I'm still stunned. The arrangement is totally hot, almost with a Spanish feel to it. There really is no description, you simply have to hear it to understand it. Kris accompanies himself on the guitar and it sounds current and modern and nothing like disco or Donna Summer (in a good way). I am feeling major shades of Cookie - - without the eyefucking but some of Kris' vocals are speaking to my lady parts. The audience goes crazy, as apparently they have all been spoken to by Kris' magic as well. Kara starts the judging by telling Tender Dawg that he took a real risk but it paid off BIG TIME. Paula says she thought the song had a classy Santana feel to it. Holy shit, Paula made a relevant, insightful comment. I told you something was up tonight. Then Paula has to fuck it up by making a totally alcohol-fueled statement about how some women shop in the men's department but very few men would shop in the women's department. The look on Simon's face is priceless. He claims to need a translator to understand what the hell Paula is talking about. You're not the only one, Sassy Pants. Paula wraps things up by declaring Kris a contender on the show. In ladies' clothing, no doubt. Simon questions whether or not Paula was declaring Kris to be wearing ladies' underwear and Paula tries to make Simon out to be the incoherent one but fails miserably. He then tells Kris that Kris' performance was the polar opposite of LRR's - - it was original, well thought out, certainly not karaoke and he thought it was a fantastic performance. Amen, brother! Last and least, Randy says Kris is what the show is all about, finding the best undiscovered talent, that the final 7 are all kinds of awesome and can REALLY! SING! and Kris is ready for the big time, Dawg, he knows who he is and he's amazing!

Gokey is up next and he will be singing "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire, wearing a douchey black button down shirt with matching black eyewear, of course. What would Gokey performances be without Eyewear Watch? So I'm watching Gokey's performance and it starts off with an uncomfortable "whoop!" and it's basically the same old same old. Couldn't this be interchanged with last week's performance? I mean, all of Gokey's performances pretty much sound the same. Drunk Paula is on her feet dancing, while Gokey is throwing out his best awkward white boy dance moves. Obviously the judges have been drinking the Gokey Kool Aid because they all love him. Hi there, Vince Neil! Love me some Motley Crue - - who I saw last summer, by the way, and they were fucking awesome. I wonder what Mr. Vince Neil thinks about some of these Idolizers. Randy begins judging and says "check it out, dawg, I was kinda worried when I heard your song choice" (funny, I'm kind of worried every time I heard Gokey is going to perform) but he thinks Gokey turned it into something that really worked for him. In other words, he totally Gokeyfied the song and Gokey-d out. Kara was worried that Gokey + Disco = Simon wearing a plaid shirt. In other words, hell on earth. I'm waiting for Simon to bust out that plaid shirt because I wasn't impressed. Kara thinks Gokey is an incredible vocalist. I think the judges are incredibly tone deaf. She also thinks that Gokey doesn't get enough credit for his pitch. Bitch, please. Gokey gets credit for having a dead wife. Paula thinks Gokey always takes it one step higher and she is in awe of his agility and brilliance. She also thinks, as a woman, he has one of the sexiest voices ever. I think right now Paula would believe that Sponge Bob and Barney have incredibly sexy voices. Case closed on rehab for Paula. And women of all ages will NOT agree, Paula. Gokey smirks and looks smug and for the record Gokey + sexiness = do not compute. Honestly, Gokey looks like he should be cackling and rubbing his hands together while saying "My evil plan for world domination is succeeding!" Simon claims he can't fault the vocals, he thought the intro was "interesting" but he felt Gokey's performance blew. He felt no star power and he thought Gokey came off awkward and clumsy. Enter Seacrest who states the competition is heating up! Gokey makes a heart out of his two hands while Seacrest gives out Gokey's number and I want to hurl from the Hallmark moment that Gokey is becoming.

Breakfast Club is up next and she appears to be wearing 20 pounds of leather and rhinestones. She will be singing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer and she begins her performance seated on the intergalactic staircase. Did she fall down? Because I really wanted Seacrest to fall on those things. I actually love the intro - - it's soft, it's slow and Breakfast Club's voice actually works really, really well with this. It must be Randy's cardiganless at work! However, once the beat picks up, I lose interest. Breakfast Club yells "gotta have some hot stuff, I need hot stuff" like she's going to kick my ass if she doesn't get some hot stuff. Well, if she doesn't fall and break an ankle first in those stiletto heels. Hey, where is the Monchichi hair? Randy begins judging (is it just Randy and Kara beginning these things today?) and he didn't love the arrangement and found it a bit overindulgent (â„¢ Simon) but considers Breakfast Club one of the best singers in the competition. Breakfast Club pulls a "who, me?" look. Randy continues by complimenting again the entire group, tells Breakfast Club she can REALLY! SING! and don't forget she's ONLY! SIXTEEN! Kara agrees with Randy on the arrangement but thinks B.C. picked the right song because Donna Summer won a Grammy for it. How this equates into Breakfast Club making the right choice sails right over my head. She rates the verbal performance a 9 or 10. Paula says that "compromise" is not a word that belongs in B.C.'s musical vocabulary. And "comprehension" does not belong in Paula's. She didn't mind the arrangement because Breakfast Club is "authentic" (â„¢ Paula) and she hit the last note off the charts. Simon says whether the song and arrangement is slow or fast is irrelevant, he found it a brilliant performance.

Adam Fucking Lambert is next and this is the moment everyone, and I mean everyone, has been waiting for. Adam at home, doing disco! The camera zeroes in on a poster of Adam donned out in a John Travolta-ish Saturday Night Fever white disco suit. If only. Sitting on the Stools of Enlightment, Adam says he will be singing "If I Can't Have You" from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. He chose this song because he wanted something he could connect to emotionally. So Adam Fucking Lambert is standing on stage, front and center, all alone, in his little hot suit and the arrangement has been slowed waaaaaaaaay down . . . but it sounds strangely good. Adam is showing us "this is the path to take - - not Gokey's douchey, indulgent, wet noodle performance!" There is a shot of Paula in near tears over the brilliance that is Adam Fucking Lambert - - like the sun, you can't stare directly at him or you will be blinded by his brillliance. There is one screamy Adam-like note but an absolutely beautiful end note that surely has baby Jesus crying. Randy says that Adam shows range every single week and he's ready RIGHT! NOW! He says Adam has it majorly going on and he's a hot one tonight, America! Kara tells Adam that he's brilliant and every week he ups it. She also thinks he's a cross between the guy from Saturday Night Live and Clark Kent. Huh? She says he's inspiring with his emotion and the way he connects with the audience. Paula, with her voice breaking and near tears, says she has never questioned her visceral response to Adam. Truer words were never spoken because Adam's performances usually leave me feeling like I have uncovered the mystical secret to life. She says she felt his pain during his performance and his vulnerability and it was beautiful and she thought he had left his heart on the stage. He is fascinating, brilliant and awesome and he will be in the finals. Simon didn't quite feel Adam's pain and he would have put $10,000 on the table that Adam would have sung Donna Summer but Adam did something no one was expecting. He found Adam's performance original and never heard that particular song performed that way before and we will remember it. He also thought Adam's vocals were immaculate. Adam gives a special shout out to Michael Orland or Oland for the arrangement. Seacrest points out that Paula melted into a pool of Abdul (Poola?) by Adam's performance.

Matt is up next and I would hate to follow Adam Fucking Lambert under any circumstance. He will be singing "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees and I love this song for its cheesiness and reminder of John Travolta in his white disco suit. Matt's vocals sound pretty good and I like it much better on my second listening than I did the first but not as much as I wanted to. Matt is wearing a red leather jacket that he must have stolen from Breakfast Club's closet and his lucky black hat. His performance is far more energetic than, say, Gokey's. Paula is on her feet clapping before the performance is even over. Someone needs to switch out her meds. Randy starts things off by the usual "check it out, dawg". He didn't love the song choice or arrangement but thinks that Matt can REALLY!SING! Kara thinks Matt brought disco back. She found it a solid performance and likes to see Matt move. Uh huh. Poola says that Matt picks songs the way she likes to bowl - - sometimes he throws a gutter ball and sometimes a strike (isn't that how everyone bowls, Poola?) and she found this to be a strike. Simon didn't like the performance and thinks Matt needs to get out of Idol Land. He thinks Matt came off a bit desperate, there was no originality and he didn't think the vocals were that great. Wow, Sassy Pants, piss on Matt's parade, why don't you?

We come back from commercial and Seacrest is taking a drink from Kara's Coke cup, much to her obvious displeasure. Good thing he didn't drink from Poola's cup or he would be a blithering idiot. Oh, wait . . .

Anoop gets the pimp spot and will be singing "Dim All the Lights", a ballad that should be right in his wheelhouse. Completely OT, but where on earth did that saying ever come from? Wheelhouse? What does it mean exactly? Maybe I should have said it would be right up Anoop's alley - - which is where I would like to be, he he. So the performance is a bit slow and not highly energetic but I think the vocals are beautiful and he's telling me to dim the lights, baby, what can be wrong with that? The last night is a bit of a clunker, which Anoop recognizes with a small grimace and roll of the eyes but otherwise, I thought it was solid and far more enjoyable than being douched by Gokey. Randy says that sometimes we forget this is a singing competition. Speak for yourself, Einstein! I think most of your viewing audience is aware by now that Idol is a singing competition. He thought the arrangement was dicey, but that Anoop CAN!SING!ALSO! He finishes his weird critique with a "nice, baby, nice". Kara thinks that Anoop made a great song choice and she liked Anoop's performance. She thought it could be on the radio today. She also thinks Anoop's last two performances have been his best. Pan to a shot of Anoop's parents in the audience. So cute! Poola loves the stubble on Anoop's face and thinks he looks fantastic. She tells him that real men know how to wear pink. She also says that no one can deny the beauty of his vocals and when Anoop goes into the magical zone of his vocals. She also thinks he should smile more because he has beautiful teeth. For real. Simon must completely disagree because no one has abused, kicked or pissed on Anoop tonight. He found Anoop's performance mediocre at best and that it was a horrible version of the song. Right, Simon, but you found nothing verbally wrong with Gokey's Lunestra of a performance? He thought it was Anoop's worst performance by a mile. I flove me some Anoop but I must say that "Beat It" was his worst performance.

So, which two will get booted off? LRR should definitely get a pink slip. Her performance wasn't all that, and she got the craptastic first slot of death. Gokey should get the heave ho as well, but I would be as shocked as Tom Cruise's penis seeing lady parts if that happened. Kris was all kinds of awesome, but he was stuck in the number 2 slot. Matt could get some sympathy votes and he was toward the end of the show. Adam is safe as a basket of kitten. I worry for Anoop. He got the pimp spot but TPTB obviously don't like him.

Tune in tonight to see who goes home with LRR!

Written by ßy O'uS on April 22nd, 2009 with no comments.
Read more articles on Adam Lambert; Danny Gokey; Lil Rounds; Anoop Desai; Kri and American Idol; Lil Rounds; Simon Cowell; Randy Jackson;.

American Idol: Top 10 Perform

I was absolutely exhausted last night so I didn't bother with a pen and paper to take notes so my review is the bare minimum.

Randy is attired in his ever-present cardigan, this time the shade of blue cotton candy. Kara's outfit was neither horrific or exciting enough for me to remember 12 hours later. Paula looked like a deranged ballerina. Simon was in his usual black t-shirt and Ryan, unfortunately, has still not fallen down the stairs.

It's Motown Week and Smokey Robinson in the guest mentor. The Idolizers get to travel to Detroit, the home of Motown, and meet not only Smokey but Berry Gordy! Awesome!

Matt got the craptastic first spot and performed "Let's Get it On". He is growing on me because I thought he gave a very solid, nuanced performance. He started behind the piano and then got up and sang to the audience. This type of music is definitely in Matt's wheelhouse.

Kris accompanied himself on guitar to "How Sweet It Is" and when I first heard what he would be singing, I was worried for Kris. However, Kris brought his A game and his voice was great.

Scott sang "You Can't Hurry Love", accompanying himself on the piano. He actually sounded pretty good when they showed the video blurb with Smokey but on stage . . . I'm just not feeling it. Scott is quickly putting himself into forgettable territory and he needs to bring some excitement and quickly. More of note was the fact he was wearing pink colored pants, a floral-y kind of shirt and striped jacket. I guess his dresser didn't show up last night?

Marlboro Megan (who is now apparently just Megan Joy, no Corkrey) really, really looks like if Mattel decided to make a blonde Amy Winehouse doll after spending the month in a crack den. Sheesh. I'm not understanding how a tight, turquoise blue strapless dress with various colors on it, a necklace made of Tinker Toys, hair in a swept up bun on one side of her head with a bright ass turquoise flower behind one ear and sparky blue eyeliner translates into Motown but I'm sure if I went on a 3 day bender, I would get it. She is performing "Once in My Life" by Stevie Wonder and this thing is such a hot ass mess that even Stevie Wonder can see how horrid it is. I think someone needs to drive Mr. Wonder to the Idol studio so he can personally beat the shit out of Marlboro for massacring his song. This must be the worst performance of the night, I don't need to hear anymore.

Anoop is next and he's singing "Ooooh, Baby, Baby" by Smokey himself. Anoop does the man proud and the song justice. Maybe a few weak notes, but overall, Anoop has it going on. Very good, very strong, very sweet voice. The judges give him somewhat weak praise and basically tell him to bring Anoop Dawg back next week.

Michael is singing "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" and . . . ouch. I'm sure Michael is a nice guy but . . . well, he may be a good singer at the local bar and at church but I think he's out of his league in this competition. Strained, a bit all over the place and just not good. Not Marlboro levels of musical abuse, but he's definitely in the Bottom Three.

LRR is dolled up for Motown night, complete with a bouffanty-shag wig. I do like her dress though. She is singing "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas. I like the song, it's catchy but LRR has just not delivered the incredible, big range of vocals the judges want us to believe she has. Sure, she can hit the power and glory notes but I'm starting to think there isn't anything else. A bit of skating by.

Adam Fucking Lambert is next and he will be singing "Tracks of My Tears" - - complete with a suit and slicked back hair! Holy cow! No ten pounds of foundation, no guyliner and no painted nails! Speaking of nails, Adam fucking nails this song. Jeebus. I actually have chills listening to him perform. Obviously the audience does too, because he gets a standing O from everyone - - including Smokey, Berry Gordy and Kara.

Gokey is singing "Get Ready" and at least he doesn't fanwank in front of Smokey so badly he fucks up his words, like he did with Randy Travis last week. Smokey gives him very valid advice about not leaving out key words like "You're outta sight" with his rendition . . . which Gokey pointedly ignores during his performance. Fuck Gokey. I am over him. Smokey Robinson gives you advice, the man has written over 4,000 songs - - he is classic, iconic and untouchable, judges, more so than any song and he gives good advice to Danny Lame Ass Gokey and Gokey is so full of himself he ignores it. Whatever, Gokey. Performance-wise, another typical Gokey-nated turn. Boring, boring, boring. Can someone vote this moron off my t.v.?

Horrendous Allison gets the pimp spot, ostensibly since she ended up in the Bottom 3 last week and who would know it's Motown week? Girlfriend dresses the same, regardless of the theme. Layers upon layers of clothing, kind of like the character of Allison from The Breakfast Club. So Breakfast Club is performing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" and . . . I don't get it. It's not totally horrendous but maybe I have an ear wax buildup problem because I don't understand why the judges are so hot and bothered over her. It's most definitely a waste of the pimp spot, that's for damn sure.

My analysis: This show belongs to Adam Fucking Lambert. He is in a league by himself. He is the only performer who is not only consistent but is creative and puts his own spin on things. Give him the freaking title already!

Adam Fucking Lambert is so fucking safe. Other than him, Anoop, Kris and Matt, everyone else totally underwhelmed me.

Should go: Marlboro Megan. She has outstayed her welcome and then some.

Will go: Michael. He was stuck in the middle of the competition and doesn't have the Vote for the Worst support that Marlboro does.

Written by ßy O'uS on March 26th, 2009 with no comments.
Read more articles on Adam Lambert; Danny Gokey; Lil Rounds; Anoop Desai; Kri and American Idol; Simon Cowell; Randy Jackson; Paula Abdul.