It's a great honor to have been asked to contribute to Tina Brown's (former Vanity Fair and New Yorker editor and all around media maestro) new online magazine The Daily Beast.
My first contribution to DB's "Buzz Board"—a review of Keane's Perfect Symmetry—went up yesterday.
I've still not gotten my head around being featured alongside the likes of Bill Clinton, Bret Ratner, Reverand Al Sharpton and one of my biggest heroes, Al Gore. I hope you'll check it out!
A promo of the new Clay Aiken CD, A Thousand Different Ways, arrived in the mail last week with a fey thud and little fanfare. D'luv and MoogaBoo sat down on Friday for an emergency banterview session.
J'ASON D'LUV: You know, I voted for Clay -- repeatedly -- during the final weeks of American Idol in 2003. I now live with the daily shame that every loser who voted for George W. Bush must feel.
MOOGABOO: Oh, babe. Don't remind the public. We're still reeling over JoJogate!
JD: Seriously, listening to this CD is like hearing the soundtrack that must play during a long, painful elevator ride to Hell.
M: Well, let's put it this way... you know how we've been friends for 11 years, and how I've been in awe at all the nice stuff you've done for me in that time...
JD: Are you sure you don't have me confused with someone else?
M: ...well, F that! You owe me bigtime. I listened to this entire album today in preparation for this discussion. In all seriousness, if Clay sounded more womanly here, it would be a good thing. It's that he only sounds half-womanly that I can't get into him.
JD: I actually listened to this while driving around in the rain yesterday, and I prayed for a hydroplaning disaster to end the torture, one way or another.
M: But you know, one thing I'll give ValleyPrettyBoy. At least he changed up the arrangement on that Richard Marx "classic," and made it a little bit his own.
JD: Well, the melancholy guitar riff on "Right Here Waiting" starts out kind of decent. But then a.) it's "Right Here Waiting," and 4.) Clay Aiken is singing it. Shouldn't he be cashing in at this point? There's no denying Clay can move CDs off the shelves. Where's the Timabaland vanity rap? The Scott Storch police-siren dance jam?
M: I think that would cause Claymates to desert him faster than Lindsay Lohan ditching an AA meeting.
JD: Thank God the official single is "Without You," because we all know that song hasn't been covered enough. And there's even a ringtone you can download.
M: Two Celine Dion covers on one album, more or less, is a bit extreme, even for someone as continually avant garde and provocative as Clay Aiken.
JD: Why hasn't Crazy Frog covered this one yet?
M: Even Crazy Frog probably thinks "Without You" is tired at this point.
JD: I hate when Clay hits that upper octave in the chorus. He does that thing with his voice where it sounds like a pterodactyl just rammed its beak up his ass.
M: You mean the faux-emotion waver?
JD: More like fax-emotion. In fact, I think he faxed the "soul" in to the studio for this whole thing.
M: Even judging Clay objectively, on his own terms and in the context of easy-listening crooners throughout the ages, I still think he falls way short of the greats.
JD: There's no doubt about that. Even luminaries such as Barry Manilow and Elton John knew enough to do a fast-paced rocker or disco number now and then, to also hook the more commercial listener.
M: Clay somehow seems above expressing any emotion, when he should by all means be over-emoting. At least a little. Being loud, which he can do well, is not the same thing. There's gotta be gigantic sweat beads on a gnarled, grimacing face for the housewives' panties to really fully drop.
JD: Hey, what about him doing "Everytime You Go Away"? I bet when Daryl Hall heard this he dropped dead right on top of John Oates.
M: I read somewhere that Clay hires lookalikes to do appearances at malls and such, just like Andy Warhol.
JD: Speaking of which, Clay's wig is looking strangely like Paul Reubens', circa his appearance in the gritty 2001 Johnny Depp crime drama Blow. See?
M: Freaky. Now show me a picture of Paul Reubens. Actually, I was thinking his wig looks more like the cover of Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits 8-track.
JD: Christ, this CD just goes on and on. His voice really is an instrument of pure evil.
M: Don't they use his music as confession bait at Guantanamo? You know, despite production from a very able team of Swedes, somehow the actual music on A Thousand Different Ways seems beside the point.
JD: I'm surprised at how many producers bent over to get a shot at producing this compost pile. Most shocking is Per Magnusson and Dave Kreuger, who gave us Britney Spears' "Sometimes." Here, they're reduced to knob-twiddling a watered-down version of "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."
M: Knob-twidding? Bent over? Are you reading the liner notes again?
JD: Funny you should mention the liner notes, because in them Clay writes this: "To my miracle workers," which he rattles off a bunch of names, "who along with their jackhammers, blowtorches and heavy machinery had the unenviable task of making me look presentable." It's obvious Clay's been watching way too much gay porn lately.
M: He's got a Falcon construction worker fantasy going on there.
JD: So, this brings us to the cover of the Bad English ballad, "When I See You Smile." I used to date this girl back in 10th grade who declared that this was "our song." I've hated it ever since. And by "date," I mean we passed notes during History class. Which base is that again?
M: That's technically still in the dug-out.
JD: Dammit.
M: That song reminds me of getting a three-year subscription to Rolling Stone and not seeing Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Samantha Fox on that cover once during those three years.
JD: Despite the goopy muck of standards done here, there are also two orignal songs written for this album -- one of which is penned by Aldo Nova. Let's not forget that he wrote Clay's #1 American Idol-finale hit, "This Is The Night."
M: No, let's forget. Didn't Aldo Nova have a solo career at some point? Or am I thinking of Del Amitri? God, Clay should hook up with those guys. "Roll To Me" is in every movie trailer.
JD: He did indeed have a solo career. My mom used to have one of his 45s when I was a kid. I forget what the song was called, but she would certainly cut me out of the will if she knew I was using my college education to write dissections of Clay Aiken albums.
M: Am I the only one who thinks Clay might be taking the tiniest of baby steps "outward" with this album? I'm of course referring to his not-terrible cover of Dolly Parton's '70s hit, "Here You Come Again."
JD: Well, he did call it A Thousand Different Ways. Wasn't that what John Paulus' response was when he went onHoward Stern's show and was asked to describe the Yuletide hotel romp he had with Clay?
M: It might also refer to John Paulus' many attempts to keep his name in the press. I actually feel for Clay in that situation.
JD: Did you see that clip from the American Idol finale last season, when he walked out and surprised that ClayTrinket singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me"? It's like everyone in the world was in on the joke but the two of them.
M: And he seemed so arrogant! He looked at that Clay dweebling with such an air of "Yes, it's really me, my child." I feel bad that there are people severely retarded enough that they want to be Clay... and that includes Clay!
JD: It was like when Michael Jackson performed at The Brits in '96, saving international children on the stage from a Biblical doom. Only this time Jarvis Cocker wasn't there to ambush the show and make his ass sing along.
M: I wonder if that one made it onto the HiStory DVD?
JD: I can guarantee neither of us will ever know.
M: The more this CD plays, I find myself liking Clay, wanting to hear certain songs again and suddenly feeling very protective of him. Please help me.
JD: I personally think it's pretty cheap to make the Claymates wait with drenched knickers for three years for a lame album of cover versions. I hope there's an outraged revolt on Planet Dork when it comes out.
M: But these covers are just lame enough to please Planet Dork, don't you think? I mean, "Broken Wings"... great song, probably too edgy for your average Claymate, so they removed all synths and added a whispery female vocal (aside from Clay's) and made it as soft as a bag of Charmin. These people know to whom they're selling.
JD: I like how this female vocalist is trying to talk-sing, ala Madonna in "Justify My Love."
M: Yeah, but she doesn't sound mysterious or sexy... just lost. I half expect her to whisper, "Do you know if the restrooms are on this floor?"
JD: And Clay knows where every public restroom within a 10-mile radius is, I suspect.
For more of Chart Rigger's banterviews, scroll through the menu bar in the right-hand side column.
Today marks the first day of autumn. And it was this week in 1993—15 years ago—when the Pet Shop Boys' album Very was released. In so many ways, that fall was a new beginning for me, and Very soundtracked my life then and still resonates with who I am today.
This post isn't going to be an album review or retrospective. Music is so subjective, and who's to say that what I like you'll like. All I can convey is who I was in September 1993, as a 19-year-old college sophomore who wandered into National Record Mart and bought Very on cassette.
****
At that time, I was attending Butler County Community College in Pennsylvania, and applying to universities, anxious to get away to one of them the following school year. I was at the mall one week night, reading Entertainment Weekly at B. Dalton Books, and caught a review of Very, unaware that Pet Shop Boys had anything new out. I hurried down to NRM and bought it right away.
The place I most wanted to transfer to was Point Park College, a liberal arts school in downtown Pittsburgh with a journalism program I hoped to get into. I toured the "campus"—two high-rise buildings with a connecting pedestrian bridge that stretched over the city street below–that October, and eventually got accepted. But in the end, the school proved to be more expensive than what my student loans would cover.
****
While driving around my suburban hometown in my 1987 Dodge Shadow one night with my friend Becky in fall 1993, she started laughing when "Liberation," the third track (and fourth single) on Very came on, because of the lyrics, "The night, the stars / A light shone through the door."
I'd written an off-color poem months prior, and had given it to her. It contained the line, "The lights, the disco ball / You're hot! Oh, wait...you're a man!" Somewhere, she heard a corrolation between the two.
At that point I was far from openly entertaining any gay notions about myself...except in trashy, shock-value poetry, apparently. Twelve years later, that brand of humor would come into play in a new medium.
That October, Becky and I went on a field trip with our Geography professor to see famed architect Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater house. I listened to Very on my headphones during the bus ride.
We also stopped off in Johnstown, which is where this photo was taken:
A week later, both of us went to see A Nightmare Before Christmas.
****
Two great clips: Pet Shop Boys (in Beatles wigs) opening in Rio with "Tonight Is Forever/I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind Of Thing" in December 1994 on the "DiscoVERY" tour, and also seguing into Culture Beat's "Mr. Vain" during "One In A Million," from the same gig.
****
In 1994, at Indiana University Of Pennsylvania—where I finally transferred to and got my Bachelor's degree from in 1997—everyone on my dorm room floor had Very. It was one of those essential CDs, like ABBAGold, the first Weezer album and R.E.M.Monster, that most students owned.
It wasn't long before I met a guy and finally acted on the previously-mentioned impulses that lay buried during my time in my hometown. Suddenly I kind of understood Very from a completely different angle.
****
It's a funny thing that happens when you finish college; you enter the real world and find that what you'd been working so hard to get to is...lonely. And tough. When I moved to Los Angeles in 1999, I listened to Very a lot. It reminded me of good times. Innocent ones that had long gone by.
Every fall I dig that CD out. In fact, I probably play it more than any album still. It's my "if you were stranded on a desert island" disc.
Very is of its time, but has aged surprisingly well. "I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind Of Thing" is just spectacular pop, though I much prefer the album version over the single mix that was done. "One And One Make Five" and "The Theatre" are amazing album tracks that could have been singles.
"Young Offender" makes my heart break to this day, and is probably my favorite Pet Shop Boys song of all time. I like to think that I was a young offender when Very came out.
How graceful your movement How bitter your scorn I've been a teenager since before you were born And I'm younger than some I've only begun
****
A few facts about Very:
1. It's the Pet Shop Boys' fifth studio album.
2. In the U.K., it's the duo's only one to hit #1.
3. It reached #20 in the U.S., and has been certified gold (over 500,000 sold).
4. Neil Tennant commenting on "Go West" in the liner notes of the 2001 remastered CD: "[Chris Lowe] played [the original Village People version] to me and I said, 'This is ghastly.' I thought it was ghastly beyond belief. Awful. Anyway, Chris just carried on regardless."
5. Chris Lowe on he and Neil's image for the album promotion: "Everyone was being grungy. Everyone was just dressing in baggy jeans and T-shirt and sweatshirt, that Nirvana thing, looking ordinary. We wanted to be unique, outside of it."
6. Neil on "A Different Point Of View": "This song would have been great done by Take That... Chris never liked this song. Chris played the tune on orchestra hits, just to annoy me. And even more annoyingly, I really liked it."
****
I stopped at the newsstand today to grab a copy of British mag Pop—the "'80s excess issue," with a nice six-page interview with the Pet Shop Boys. I read it at Starbucks, which is when I took the top photo.
Two-bit hooker Good ol’ Lily Allen has admitted she ripped off Take That’s 2007 U.K. #1 hit “Shine” with her new song “Who’d Of Known,” which is streaming on her MySpace.The lazy plagiarist writes on her MySpace blog: [sic x 10]“i haveput up a song that wont make it on the album . i ripped off the chous from take that and i can’t be bothered with the paperwork , so here ya go .”Here’s the video for Take That’s “Shine”:Meanwhile, handsome Brit producer Mark Ronson all but admitted he turned down Joss Stone in one of her fuck-for-tracks bids gone wrong.Says Heat World:”I’m not the sort of producer that shags every artist he works with. I’ve had enough offers, but I’m very picky,” he said.The star then went on to brag, “I’ve said no to a very famous, white, bland and very boring English soul chick, whom shall remain…
NME.com reports that a new interview with Primal Scream’s Bobby Gillespie reveals he was to write for Kylie Minogue back in 1992, but, well, “we were too fucked up to even write a song for ourselves at that time.”Primal Scream are probably best known for their 1990 rave anthem “Loaded,” which was most recently included on Rhino’s Brit Box 4-disc collection.Gillespie went on in the Q magazine interview to say how Kylie came backstage to meet the band, at which point she herself was offered drugs: “She did ask us to write a song for her once, we met her and she was fucking lovely. This was when she was a proper pop star, in 1992 or around about then. People were offering her stuff and she said, ‘Thanks, but no thanks’. She was lovely.”That’s great, but all this has me nostalgic for probably my favorite song from summer 1990—Soup…
It's a great honor to have been asked to contribute to Tina Brown's (former Vanity Fair and New Yorker editor and all around media maestro) new online magazine The Daily Beast.
